"I do everything around here."

At one time or another, you — like every other hardworking wife on the planet — have probably made that statement. It may well be true. And, sorry to tell you this, but ... it may also be your fault.

"Knowing that we're the only ones who can manage family life is very empowering, and I think many women get a thrill from being so indispensable," says social psychologist Carin Rubenstein, who interviewed more than 1,500 men and women for her new book, The Superior Wife Syndrome."That sense of power and control can be difficult to give up." In two out of every three couples Rubenstein interviewed, "Wives run the show while their husbands sit back and take it easy," she reports. "Women are the CEOs of their households, and their husbands are more like employees."*

Rubenstein knew that she was on to something when she observed this do-it-all, know-it-all, fix-it-all pattern in many of her friends' relationships, in her work doing couples research, and even in her own marriage. "It's not just that wives do more of the chores and errands," she explains. "It's also that they are the ones who see the big picture, the ones who take charge — they have become the family managers, schedule keepers, event organizers, and decision makers."

And all that control comes with a dangerous downside. "Superior-wife marriages end up leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled," Rubenstein says. "When one person calls all of the shots all of the time, contempt and a lack of respect fester, and that undermines trust, intimacy, and loving companionship." REDBOOK talked to Rubenstein to find out how to restore equality to a relationship and pave the way for a more satisfying bond.

*YOUR TAKE:
"This definitely describes me! I feel resentful when my husband doesn't notice all that I do. Recently I made him a to-do list, but I was still annoyed that he didn't see on his own that things needed to be done. At some point, a husband needs to be an active participant."
— Alyssa Yano, 32, Indianapolis

Why is this superior-wife syndrome so common now?
Some women believe that they're supposed to do it all. The women I interviewed in superior-wife marriages described their role as: "If I don't do things, they don't get done." And, "His philosophy is that as long as he has me, he doesn't need to worry about things." Men tend to think that a household functions automatically, when it's really the wife who's hard at work behind the scenes.

The fact is, most marriages don't start out this way. Somewhere along the line, an insidious shift occurs. I think that, biologically speaking, women are generally better at multitasking, and they're also more efficient. Add a husband to the mix who lets his wife take charge, and let that mixture simmer. Eventually men accept the wife's superiority as the natural state of affairs. Over time, a woman's thought process becomes, It's too annoying, complicated, or time-consuming to explain to my husband how to [fill in the blank], so I might as well just do it myself. The standard male response to a superior wife's rare request for help is, "You're better at it than I am." It may sound like he's giving you a compliment, but the truth is that it's really a cop-out. If he changed a diaper 10 times, he'd be perfectly good at it too.

You yourself were a superior wife. How did it affect your relationship?
I've been married for over 30 years, and my husband always followed my lead and never had any desire to take charge.* His only jobs were working, washing our cars, and handling family finances. I was always the one who cooked, cleaned, shopped, fixed our computer, planned family vacations, helped our two children fill out their college applications, set up the satellite TV, and hired the painters — to name a few of my responsibilities. I also work full time. I was constantly irritable and pissed off — it's exhausting to live like that!

Two years ago, we visited our daughter in Washington, D.C., for her graduation from college. I thought it would be nice to get her a graduation cake, so I researched bakeries in the area, ordered the cake, and paid for it over the phone. When I asked my husband to pick up the cake, he protested, saying, "I don't want to have to think!" That was our marriage in a nutshell: I think, therefore he doesn't have to. I should have responded, "I prefer not to think either, but unless we hire a butler, cook, and valet, both of us are going to have to do some thinking." But instead, I resentfully went to the bakery and picked up the cake. That resentment kept building in me, and it was harming our marriage. I viewed him not as my partner but as a third child — he was someone who relied on me and couldn't manage on his own.

*YOUR TAKE:
"If my husband was in charge, our living room would have stadium seating, our TV would be sitting on beer boxes, and all dinners would consist of something wrapped in bacon!"
— Melissa Heidelberg, 27, River Edge, NJ

Why is wife superiority so bad for a marriage?
Women may think that their husbands have the better deal, but both partners are robbed of the emotional benefits that flow from a loving bond and fuller participation in family life. Neither gets the connectedness or true partnership that he or she deserves. In extreme cases, women think, If I'm doing everything like a single person, then I might as well be single!

Their sex lives suffer too. My research showed that men and women in superior-wife marriages report having sex less often and being less satisfied with their sex lives. Some women admitted to using sex to bribe their husbands to do chores around the house. Others often reject their husband's sexual overtures — which makes sense. After all, it's pretty hard to desire someone you resent.

How can superior wives bring balance to their relationships?
It's never too late to renegotiate expectations and responsibilities, but it will be a gradual process. Just don't get caught up in your feelings of injustice or anger; cool reason and common sense make a better foundation for a productive conversation. Talk to your partner in a nonthreatening way during a nonrushed time, and explain the many perks of doing more household and parenting tasks as a team: You two will have a stronger marriage and a better sex life, and he'll have a closer relationship with his kids.

What's the first step?
Start out by asking for small requests and gentle favors, such as picking up milk from the grocery store or helping your son with his math homework — they'll prepare him for life's bigger demands. And be specific about what you want him to do. Try saying, "Can you throw in a load of laundry while I get dinner started?" Men are often more open to change than we give them credit for. Once my husband understood all I'd been doing, he saw how unfair it was. I think our house was running so smoothly that he never paid much attention!

Women aren't born knowing how to run a household, but we learn through experience — and the same holds true for men. It's like a lightbulb suddenly gets turned on over his head. First he notices that you're out of eggs, then he remembers that it's time to start planning his mom's surprise birthday party, and that reservations need to be made for dinner this Friday, and that your den could use some sprucing up. And he may even begin to enjoy playing a part in the bigger picture of your lives.

Lastly, remember to thank your husband. Positive reinforcement always works! Critiquing your husband, on the other hand, is the quickest way to put an end to his helpfulness.

Okay, but what if a wife has trouble giving up her control? How can she learn to loosen up on the reins?
Think of it this way: Creating an equal marriage is not only about him doing more, it's also about you expecting less and relaxing your standards. You have to give up control and embrace the mind-set that there's no right or wrong way to feed the kids lunch, wrap a birthday gift, or clean the bathroom.* If you cannot bear to watch him do things his way, leave the room or leave the house. In my case, I'd go shopping for the afternoon, go for a morning run, or go away with my girlfriends for the weekend. My husband had no choice but to chauffeur the kids to practices and birthday parties, feed them three meals, and get them ready for bed. And my absence made it easier for him to learn — I wasn't there to fix things if he messed up, and he didn't have to worry about feeling embarrassed in front of me if he made a mistake. The bottom line is, people get good at parenting and being a good partner by trial and error. Let him have that privilege.

How will restoring balance help bring couples closer?
The women I interviewed who weren't superior wives reported being happier in their marriages, as well as more satisfied with their sex lives. Carol, 42, said, "My husband is my biggest fan. If I have an idea, we discuss it and then do research so we can make the best decision together. And the very same is true of our sex life, since he's eager to try anything I ask him."

When you adopt that team mentality, there's less of a feeling that "This is my job" and "That's your job" and more of a sense of "Here's what needs to be done — let's do it." My husband and I have gotten better at working together and eliminating "his and her" tasks; I'll take the car to the car wash or take out the trash, and he'll do housework. I know I can count on him to be thinking about things; he's always writing in our calendar "car needs an oil change" or "pick up milk from the grocery store." And I've become more relaxed, less irritable — and, I'll admit, less picky and controlling — since I don't feel the pressure of doing it all by myself. We're now able to talk about issues like money and kids together, as opposed to me feeling like, What am I going to do about this? My husband and I have completely transformed our relationship; he has a more loving and respectful wife who sees him as an equal partner in life, and in return, I've gained a husband who loves, supports, and respects me. We're on the same team now.

*YOUR TAKE:
"I don't care how things get done or who does them as along as they get done. I'd rather be sitting with my feet up than worrying about how he diapers the baby."
— Alicia Lucas, 36, Carmel, IN

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